I’ve been silent for a while. I needed time to process something that’s been brewing inside of me, and I didn’t know exactly how to put it into words until very recently.
I started a post a few weeks back that was going to be titled “Why Love Is Scary.” It seemed like the right thing to write at the time. I had just begun a relationship with a really wonderful man. Yeah, right. How many times have I said those words? I completely admit that every single one of my relationships (and there have been many) have started with something along these lines:
He’s great, wonderful, amazing, smart, handsome, generous…
He makes me feel so loved, beautiful, special, safe, smart, funny, feminine…
I can’t believe how lucky I am, how great life is, how in love am I, how different this is…
I will NOT fuck this up.
Only to discover, usually just a few short weeks later, that Eden wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Time to go put on some clothing and get down to toiling and sweating.
Except that this isn’t happening with this guy. And it’s a very strange feeling. Like standing on the edge of a cliff and realizing you could fall all the way down and there really isn’t a net, and no, you don’t have wings or a parachute. So, clearly “Why Love Is Scary” was the right title for that post.
But the more I sat with my feelings—my terrifying, overwhelming, feels-like-I’m-going-to-die feelings—the more I realized that they were just that—feelings, and that if I didn’t act on them, nothing bad was actually happening. And that, my friends, was what was actually new.
See, here’s the thing. In the past, I would have started trying to get my guy to make me feel better. The anxious feelings inside would have caused me to seek comfort on the outside. I would have started looking for constant attention. Or buying tons of new clothes. Or perhaps becoming a little critical of him to try to bring down the level of good in the relationship and neutralize the joy. When I didn’t do that this time, I had a chance to see into myself more deeply. I could think about the core issues that were driving my anxiety (no surprise—they were ancient issues from childhood). I could share my feelings and experience without the expectation that he had to do anything to fix it or make it better.
Suddenly, love wasn’t so scary. In fact, what happened next was pretty damned awesome. I experienced deeper compassion toward myself, and I felt a deeper connection to him at the same time. There was MORE LOVE.
Eventually you will come to realize that love heals everything, and love is all there is. — Gary Zukav
I wasn’t sure how to write about this at first. It seems so, I don’t know, woo-woo. But this is at the core of my spiritual philosophy: love is all there is. When we open ourselves to experience more love within, and allow that love within to heal us, we experience more love everywhere. Our external lives are mirrors of our internal environment. We create on the outside what we have on the inside. So go deep first. Stop worrying about what’s working or not working “out there.” Take down your walls, set aside your fear, stop listening to the endless chatter in your head. Believe that you are whole and worthy of all good things, and that maybe love is all there is inside of you. Start right in there and then see what changes happen everywhere else. You might be amazed.